Analysis

by angela

Constable Benton Fraser of the RCMP was nervous. He supposed there was nothing to be nervous about. This wasn't the first time he'd been to see a psychiatrist. He'd had psychiatric reviews before, such as after the whole Victoria incident. But this was different. This was talking about things that had never even happened. It was silly. Yet Ray thought it was a good idea so why not? With his best 'I am a Mountie' routine Constable Fraser took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

He was greeted by a pleasant female voice who told him to "Come in."

Ben decided that was a good idea, rather than standing outside and conducting the session through the wall, so he slowly turned the knob and entered.

He found himself in an office. It looked like any other office. Well except it had various diplomas on the walls and a couch on one side. Behind the desk of this office sat a pleasant looking woman wearing glasses. She had auburn hair tied back but she didn't look particularly stern. This wasn't that reassuring for Ben but he could handle it. He was a Mountie after-all.

"Hello," she said and smiled. Checking her notes she asked, "Are you my 3 o'clock appointment?"

There was slight hesitation before Ben replied "Yes. Yes I am."

"OK so what can we do for you Mister Fraser?" she looked at him with a gaze that was friendly but focussed. "Would you like to take a seat?"

Ben cleared his throat "It's Constable Fraser, actually Miss....?"

"Miss Rogers." a slight pause "Doctor Rogers." There was a clear stress on the word doctor.

"Oh yes." Ben was embarrassed, how could have made such an obvious mistake? Of course she was a doctor. "Well Miss erm Dr. Rogers I recently suffered a head injury, from falling off van, and while I was unconscious I appear to have suffered from some strange dreams." It wasn't the best explanation in the world but it was enough. Ben was frankly still off balance from his earlier Faux-Pas.

The doctor said nothing, patiently waiting for Ben to continue.

"And well my partner, Ray, suggested, in his words, that I should 'see a shrink'. I was unsure that I needed psychiatric help but Ray was very insistent and my own doctor seemed to think it was a good idea as well." Again Ben had rushed a little but he was uncomfortable being in the office. He felt he'd been pushed into this. His discomfort was apparent from the fact he was still standing.

The doctor noticed her patient was still standing despite her previous suggestion he take a seat "Please sit down," she said "It will make it easier and you'd be more comfortable."

Ben did so in silence, although his quick eye glanced around the room. He took in various objects to try to build up a picture of the type of person he was hoping would help him see past his confusion.

"You said you've had some strange dreams. Why don't you tell me how these dreams began?" asked Dr. Rogers. It was the logical place to start.

Ben cleared his throat. He wasn't going to tell an Inuit story but it he hoped that telling someone about his experiences would help him understand them.

"Well it all started with a phone call, from Ray. Ray is my best friend. We work together as well, although not strictly officially..." Ben paused "You see I'm a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and I used to live in the Yukon. But then my father was murdered after he uncovered a plot involving drowning Caribou. I traced his killer to Chicago, where I was assigned to the Canadian Consulate. That's where Ray and I met. We were working on the case but suffice to say things went wrong."

Ben fidgeted. It was hard to forget Ray has risked his life for Ben on such a short acquaintance.

"I was posted back to the Yukon awaiting a disciplinary hearing. Ray came after me, checking himself out of hospital. Then some men in white coats came after myself and Ray with homicidal intentions. The actual story is rather long, takes exactly two hours to tell but the upshot of it is I think I embarrassed some people in the government and I was assigned to Chicago for the foreseeable future."

Dr. Rogers smiled in sympathy.

"It's not I don't like Chicago." Ben reassured her "Quite the opposite. Ray has made it extremely bearable for me. That's why I was so concerned in this dream. I received a phone call from him while on vacation in Canada and when I got back he was gone."

Ben looked at the floor. He was upset his subconscious could even think of Ray leaving him.

"Gone?" asked the doctor.

"Yes," came Ben's deliberate reply.

"I see, please continue." Dr. Rogers saw this was a point which was bothering her patient.

"In Ray's place was another man, who didn't look anything like him. He was referred to as Ray by everybody else. It was disconcerting." That was the best word to describe it.

"I can imagine." Dr. Rogers sympathised.

"Yes. His real name was Stanley Raymond Kowalski and he was standing in for Ray while Ray went undercover in the mob."

Ben crinkled his brow slightly and ran his thumb across his eyebrow.

"The thing was he wasn't anything like Ray at all." Ben stated "He didn't bear any resemblance to Ray either physically or emotionally."

Ben couldn't understand that at all. If the FBI had gone to all the trouble of having an exact look-alike for 'the bookman' they might at least have bothered to get a stand-in who looked vaguely like the person they were replacing. Stanley Kowalski didn't even look like an Italian-American. It hadn't made sense at all and things that didn't make sense bothered Ben.

"I see." Dr. Rogers could see this was another point bothering the Constable. He must have had a rough time of it. She let him continue.

"He had also been married to a Stella who was the new State's Attorney."

Ben felt he should explain himself more "Although I have some grounding in basic psychology I am afraid dream interpretation is not some thing I have particularly looked at, unless of course it is in the context of Inuit trance journeys which are somewhat different to the dreams experienced while briefly unconscious."

Ben was now using small hand gestures, evidence perhaps of his frustration.

"Although these dreams did appear to be remarkably long for the time I was unconscious. Of course that could be due to the time compression we experience while dreaming. I am afraid however that no matter which way I twist it I have difficulty understanding what it could all mean. Perhaps an outside view would help."

"So you personally have not drawn any conclusions?" Dr. Rogers asked.

"Well no." Ben paused "Ray thought it would be a bad idea. He said that being a Mountie didn't qualify me as the next Sigmund Freud."

"I'll agree with Ray to a point. You should try to see a professional. Someone with an outside view and opinion. Although you should be the one ultimately who discovers the conclusions. The reasons are in there somewhere." Dr. Rogers tapped her head with her pen.

This elicited a slight smile from Ben. "Of course." He paused "Does that mean you won't tell me your opinion?"

"He's eager' thought Doctor Rogers but all she said was "I'd prefer a lot of the work to come from you. It will help you work through this."

"OK." and Ben went quiet.

"Now then what other strange things were there?" Dr. Rogers went back to the task in hand.

"Well there was Ray's sister Francesca. She was working at the station all the time. I don't mean to sound rude but Francesca has always had an erm... attraction to me shall we say and I am afraid I see her more as.... I suppose you would say a sister." Ben had always been very uncomfortable with Ray's sister attraction to him. Truly she was the sister he never had. Unfortunately she did not share his point of view. He was thankful that Ray was there to 'protect' him.

"She was working at the station?"

"Yes." Ben replied.

"Which station?" Dr. Rogers was slightly confused. Her patient was a member of the RCMP and they certainly didn't have any stations in Chicago.

Ben realised her confusion so answered her "Oh I'm sorry I should have explained, the station Ray works at. District 27. She was working as a civilian aide, not a police officer," he clarified. "I do spend a lot of time at the station, helping Ray on his cases.

"So what would Francesca being at the station mean for you?" asked Dr. Rogers.

"I suppose there is a fear that she could become a presence in my life I didn't want." Ben looked thoughtful.

He continued "I see Francesca as a sister, emotionally. However practically have yet to convince her. I rely on Ray a lot to fend off her more amorous advances. Perhaps I should try to make my feelings clear to Francesca?" Ben looked at the doctor for some kind of reassurance. He wanted her opinion.

Fortunately the doctor had noticed the way her patient seemed to be asking for help "That seems a good idea," she agreed "You're doing fine so far." She smiled. "Please go on if you can."

"When I returned I also discovered my apartment had burnt down. I ended up living at the consulate, where I work. It wasn't the best arrangement." Ben said.

Dr. Rogers continued taking notes, letting her patient talk through more details.

"The odd thing is there are other places I could have gone." Ben frowned, that had been another strange thing. "I am sure there were other apartments in the area and I'm also sure the Vecchios would have offered me room." The invitation was always there, Ben knew that.

"My job is important to me." Ben paused "It is disturbing that it could become that important to me. In the dream I was always wearing my red uniform. I know Ray tells me I look good in it but I prefer the brown uniform. I don't understand why the red uniform featured so prominently. It's almost as if it was taking over my life."

Ben looked rather worried at this. Before Chicago and before Ray all he'd had was duty. Now though, he wasn't satisfied with that alone.

"Has it?" Dr. Rogers asked.

"Oh no. Perhaps the dream was a warning. It could be expressing a possibility that it could. I have to say that idea is somewhat alarming." Ben's brow furrowed again "Deep down I don't want it to become my sole purpose in life, I like to think I have a life outside my job, especially since I've come to Chicago. I don't want to be merely the personification of my job. The burning of my apartment could warn me not retreat into my job when there are catastrophic events that occur."

"You can see why dreams are so useful, can't you?" Dr. Rogers made a point of telling her patient that.

"Oh yes," agreed Ben "I feel we're making good progress."

"Good." Dr. Rogers made a few more notes. "Please continue."

Ben thought "Well there was a point in the dream where I thought I had a sister."

"Go on." Dr. Rogers encouraged him.

"Her name was Maggie and she was actually my half sister. After my mother died I thought that my father had....erm an affair." Ben coughed slightly which showed how uncomfortable he was discussing such things. "With another woman, after the death of my mother, and they had a child together. My father was unaware of the child, believing she was this lady's husband's daughter. When this daughter grew up she came to Chicago looking for the killers of her husband and we uncovered the truth during the investigation."

Ben had been confused about his father taking up with another woman. The mourning his father did after his mother's death had always suggested to him that his father had lost the one true love of his life. While he had started living again Ben couldn't see how he would take up with anyone else. His father had been a loner a lot of the time, as he was.

"You were an only child?" Dr. Rogers asked.

"Yes." Until he had come to Chicago and found a family willing to take him in.

"You could say this was simple case of desire for a family." Ben started "But I don't think it is. There was something more to it than that. Symbols in dreams are rarely so simple. Perhaps the name 'Maggie' but I don't know anyone called Maggie, apart from my wolf's erm," Ben coughed "lady friend. She's a husky" And he blushed.

Seeing the patient was having difficulty Dr. Rogers tried to help out.

She thought for a minute. Well Maggie was a diminutive of Margaret. Could that be the name implied? "How about Margarets or Megs?" she asked.

"Well my superior officer is called Margaret, Meg. We erm...we did share an inappropriate attraction." At least that's how it could be interpreted thought Ben as his blush deepened.

Then he stopped blushing as he thought about it. The more he thought about it the happier he seemed to get. "Yet a sister having such a similar name..." he trailed off.

"Go on." encouraged Dr. Rogers. Clearly the patient was getting somewhere.

"I was very happy about the prospect of a sister. It was nice to know there was someone so similar to me out there. But Inspector Thatcher, she, she didn't like Maggie, she almost felt threatened by her. Perhaps she was threatened not by the fact I had a sister but that she shares so many similar traits with me." Ben was getting more confident now. "I always assumed it was attraction. The tension that we have could be seen as masked attraction. Personally though I can see it in a different way."

Ben sat up straighter in his chair "I recognise many of my own traits in the Inspector: a desire for duty, not wanting to be vulnerable, having difficulty making friends. Yet a lot of the traits we have in common are negative ones. We are not matched in positive ways. I believe I can recognise the Inspector as being attractive, and similar to me. Now I think about though I don't believe I am really attracted to her, I certainly don't bear any kind of romantic love or affection toward her. I have been mistaking my feelings."

Ben was starting to smile "She is very like the elder sister I never had. Perhaps she is attracted to me in some superficial way but it is one sided. I see her as a sister that's why the sister in my dream was called Maggie. It's the same name. The Inspector's reaction would be her reaction to the knowledge I saw her as a sister perhaps."

By the time he'd finished Ben was almost grinning. He felt like a weight had been taken from his shoulders. It was true he'd never really felt anything toward the Inspector that he had felt toward Victoria, not that he had felt toward...who? There was someone wasn't there? But who?

"What do you think?" he asked Dr. Rogers.

"I think you're right," she replied. "Maybe your affections lie elsewhere." The doctor almost winked.

"Maybe?" Ben asked politely but all he really wanted to do was ask WHO?!

"We've already touched on the idea of family." Dr. Rogers moved on "Did your family feature at all in this dream?"

Ben cleared his throat slightly "My father, who is dead by the way, he... he took up residence in my closet." Was he going mad?

Dr. Rogers looked up slightly but said nothing. She had a carefully neutral _expression.

"He was there all the time, always talking to me, trying to give me advice. He didn't spend a lot of time with me when I was young. My mother died when I was a small boy and my father spent a lot of time away. I was raised by my grandparents." Ben shuffled slightly in the chair causing it to creak.

"I regret that I didn't spend more time with my father before he was murdered. Perhaps I was trying to get back what I had lost in this dream." Ben was hardly going to mention that his father's ghost appeared to him on several occasions. He still regretted not having the chance to know his father better while he was alive; you always regret not knowing the people who have helped make you the person you are.

"His presence could also suggest I am still trying to prove yourself to him. Yet maybe I ma trying to close off this desire hence the reason your father was in the closet." Ben was looking a bit more relaxed now.

"There was also the incident of my mother's death." Ben paused. That had been one of the more disturbing aspects.

"What about your mother's death?" Dr. Rogers asked her interest piqued.

"In the dream I thought that she had been murdered." Ben had been upset about that.

"She wasn't of course." Ben paused again these were painful memories he was dredging up and he didn't like having to discuss them with a stranger.

"I don't remember a lot about that time. I only know she became sick. She got weaker and weaker and eventually I was taken to live with my grandparents. I was told one morning when I woke up that she had died." There was a lot of sadness in Ben's voice. Remembering the truth was like losing his mother all over again.

"I found a letter in my father's trunk. It was from my mother explaining about how sad she was, how much she loved me. How she regretted not being there for me." Ben had cried for the first in a very long time reading that letter.

"I don't resent her not being there. I was so young I couldn't understand but maybe I was a little angry at my father for not doing more to help her. Murder he could have avoided, that but sickness, neither of them could stop it." Clearly there were complex issues over his father Ben thought.

"I was very different in these dreams too." Ben had that frown again. Another thing he disliked and that hadn't made sense.

"I have to say I acted terribly. I am afraid that I did and said things that I wouldn't think of doing." Ben blushed with embarrassment. It may have only been a dream but he still felt guilty. "For example I'm afraid I used language, unbecoming of a person who has been brought up to believe in manners. I also engaged in a rather heated argument that cumulated in physical violence." Ben's blush deepened. "That was with Detective Kowalski."

Ben thought a little more there were things about Dief too. He hadn't been himself.

"My wolf as well he was different." Ben told Dr. Rogers. Ben remembered and described the changes "In the dream he was different. He was smaller, a different colour, a different personality.... He wasn't as noble." Ben sighed "Again it was a negative change, almost as if he wasn't the animal he should be. There appears to have been a lot of negativity in this dream." Ben reflected. "The way it ended too." Ben paused before almost lurching into his explanation.

"I discovered that my mother had been murdered by a man named Muldoon who had betrayed my parents. It turned out that Muldoon was also involved in what appeared to be large arms deal which had mob connections. During the course of the investigation I broke Ray's cover. Not that I was particularly bothered at the time. I was very pleased to see him."

Ben smiled; he was always pleased to see Ray.

"But then he was shot protecting me and he was left in hospital. He was disabled, left the force and went with Stella Kowalski to open a bowling alley in Florida." Ben voice took on a slightly different tone. A regretful one.

"It was difficult." Ben told the Dr. "I had only just got Ray back and then he went away again." There was sadness in Ben's tone as well as regret.

He continued. "I went off with Detective Kowalski to look for the Hand of Franklin." Which was another puzzle for Ben; he'd never have a hope of finding it. It was mythical. "I'm not really sure why." And Ben truly wasn't sure why, was he afraid of something, running from something? "I suppose I didn't want go back to Chicago as I was homesick. Yet...." Ben was thinking again "There are many aspects of Chicago I appreciate. I know it isn't home as such but over the last few years I feel that I have a home here. I have no idea why I would dream that I was unhappy here. It seems completely illogical."

Ben thought about other negative things. "There was the Riv being blown up and ending up in lake Michigan too."

Seeing the puzzled look on Dr. Roger's face Ben clarified.

"Ray's car, a 1972 Buick Rivera. He's very protective of it. Actually it's his third. I am afraid the other two were destroyed in unfortunate incidents." Ben tried not to look guilty.

"The first was blown up during a shoot out with Canadian mobsters and the second was blown up in an attempt to frame Frank Zuko, a local, I suppose you would call him a mobster, who bears a grudge against Ray." Explained Ben.

"Ray's house was also set on fire around the same time as my apartment. I suppose that's why I couldn't stay there....." Ben trailed off "But the damage wasn't too bad and they have insurance."

"Ray lives there with his mother, sisters, brother-in-law, nieces, nephews......" Ben smiled "He has a very large family, who have been very kind to me. I appreciate that he has shared his family with me. That's not why I'm in love with him......"

Ben sat up, rigid. Did he just admit feelings for Ray; he'd previously been unaware of, in front of a complete stranger?!

Dr. Rogers smiled at him.

Yes he had.

"It was obvious." She said "The little things that were there." Dr. Rogers smiled "The tone on your voice when you talk about him. The affection, the love."

"You're quite correct." Ben nearly squeaked.

"Can you see how your dream fits into this?"

"Yes." Said Ben firmly. He could see it all now. It all made sense in its own way. "Firstly the phone call I received in this dream. I wanted to tell Ray how I feel. The phone call represents that act or at least the opportunity."

Ben made small gestures with his hands. "However I'm scared that Ray will reject me. Hence the Ray I know and love goes away."

So far so good.

"He is replaced by Stanley Kowalski. Now the character in Tennessee William's play was a violent man. While this Stan might not be that the connotation is there. The Stella reference too. The 'Stella' could be the threat a woman will come and take Ray away from me."

Ben's tone became reflective "My world is changed without Ray, in a negative way. A different Dief and my apartment burning down perhaps show how deep these changes might be. Also I have a certain amount of fear that my revelation might harm Ray. The Riv blowing up might represent Ray's life going out of control. The family home might show I have concerns about how Ray's family would react. The fire is negative. Or it might show reasons why I think Ray would reject me."

Ben squirmed slightly as he revealed his deepest feelings. "I'm so worried of this rejection from Ray that I retreat into work. I harbour these feelings for Ray and try to project them onto another person. I choose the Inspector as there is no way that that will work. I also become more..." he searched for a word "dislikeable. Without Ray I become half a person. I see Ray as the better part of me, the other half of my soul. Without Ray I change, become worse, I almost lose myself. I get angry and frustrated. I want my Ray back but am scared about what will happen. I am worried about abandonment. Ultimately I think I'm homesick but it is Ray I am sick for. Unsure what to do I run away. I know I will never find what I am looking for because what I'm looking for is Ray."

Ben relaxed now that had all been said.

"So what do you suggest I do?" Ben needed some advice.

"I suggest you go out there and tell Ray how you feel. You won't know what will happen unless you try Constable. The Ray you love wouldn't hurt you would he?" Came the simple reply.

"No." Ben replied "Even if he didn't understand, I doubt he would hate me."

"Thank you." Ben said and got up to leave.

He shook Dr. Rogers's hand. "You've helped me understand a number of things about my life I was previously unaware of."

"No trouble at all, Constable." Dr. Rogers smiled.

As he opened the door to leave he heard Dr. Rogers call after him

"Now go and get your man."

"That's a popular misconception Doctor, it's not our motto." Ben replied.

Still smiling Dr. Rogers restated "It might not be the RCMP motto but I think you should make it yours."

"Yes Ma'am. Thank you kindly ma'am."

He left the office with a sense of happiness and determination. He made sure his bill was paid and waited outside. It wasn't long before a 1972 Buick Riveria showed up. He got in, confident in what he was about to do.

Epilogue

While they were driving along Ray decided not to conceal his curiosity. He'd been worried about Benny after the head injury.

"So what did the shrink say Benny?" he asked.

"She helped me understand my dream Ray. In fact Dr. Rogers has been most helpful in clarifying my feelings. I know I have certain feelings now." Ben replied.

"What feelings?" Ray was still puzzled.

"My feelings regarding you, Ray." Ben tried to not to smile as he stated this.

"Me?" Ray squeaked a little. He even pointed at himself. Regaining some composure he noticed Ben's smile. Could it be? Smiling himself he then asked. "And what might those feelings be?"

"Well erm.....I am having difficulty expressing them in words." Now it had come to this point Ben was slightly shy.

Noticing Benny's nervousness Ray prompted him "OK how about actions?"

Ben took a deep breath "In that case Ray you'd better pull over."

"Why?" Ray gave him a quizzical look.

"Because I'm going to kiss you." Ben replied happily.

Ray didn't need telling twice. As soon as he could he called the Riv into a quiet alleyway and slammed on the brakes. Turning to his partner he asked with anticipation.

"OK Benny?"

"Yes Ray thank you kindly."

And with that Ben leaned across and thoroughly kissed Ray. So thoroughly in fact that when they parted both were panting a little.

"So can you out it into words now Benny?" Ray teased.

"I think I can Ray." Ben's smile got bigger "I'm in love with you, Ray."

"Thank God." Ray sighed a happy sigh. A sigh of finally knowing how Benny felt.

"Why?" Ben pretended not to be on the clue bus.

"Because..." Ray noticed the glint in Benny's eyes "Oh I'm gonna show you!"

This time it was Ray leaning across and Ray was thoroughly kissing Benny this time. Both were enjoying the moment so much it seemed like an eternity passed before they finally had to breathe.

"I see Ray." Ben told him.

"Shall I put it into words?" Ray was now smiling, and could barely stop.

"I'd appreciate that Ray." Ben replied.

"I'm in love with you Benny."

"Really?" Ben had to be sure.

"Yeah." Ray said softly.

"Would mind showing me again?" Ben asked. He would look forward to that.

"Not at all Benny. Not at all........"

The Riv stayed in that alley for a rather long time. But it was true, reality was far better than dreams. Particularly when the reality involved one certain Italian-American Chicago cop and a Canadian Mountie who were in love with each other, and always had been.